Turning 30: A Fashion Identity Crisis

Fashion these days. In the words of the very millennials whose sartorial choices I find so problematic, I just cannot. Are there any other words to describe this?

Being on the verge of 30 has got to be the most identity-crisis-inducing phase ever when it comes to what to wear. One arm in a tailored blazer, the other in the spaghetti strap of a crop top (which, by the way, still make me squeamish). When browsing the ‘New Releases’ section of the apparel websites I frequented not so long ago, here’s what my eyeballs are assaulted with.

Oh, okay!

Forever 21, sadly I am not. That’s long since faded in my rear-view (except for their $3 tank tops, because come on), but what about other, not-so-obviously-offensive merchants like H&M? Am I the sad old lady clinging too tightly to her youth when I’m thumbing through their racks of irresistibly priced graphic tees and denim? $19 for a pair of jeans? I AM NOT ABOVE IT.

And can we talk about the denim skirts? OMG, the denim skirts. I wore my frayed-hem, sequin-adorned Hollister denim skirt pretty much every day ending in ‘y’ from 2003 to 2005, but by the end of my freshman year of college even I knew it needed to be burned. And now every girl under 25 is wearing that same denim skirt.

This is how I know I’m old, at least comparatively speaking. An unflattering fashion trend from my youth has resurfaced and it fills me with disproportionate irritation. The denim skirt’s heyday wasn’t even that long ago, people! The body of the original frayed jean skirt isn’t even cold in the grave and here the kids are resurrecting it. Can’t we at least give ourselves the proper time to grieve?

I have to admit, I love how the current edition of the denim skirt is high-waisted. I just might have to get one, but it’ll be from Nordstrom because I’m a classy adult and enjoy paying three times the price to not have my pride damaged by shopping amongst teenagers. The age-appropriate shopping alternatives are simultaneously wonderful and terrifying.

Banana Republic is the career woman I always thought I’d be, polished in the office but always down for a post-work glass of Cabernet or six. Zara is the spur-of-the-moment decision that might turn out to be either terrible or awesome, like a plane ticket to Burning Man. Neiman Marcus is playing dress-up in your mom’s high heels, if your mom’s high heels were screaming “YOU ARE POOR, LOL!” The Gap is being pregnant with your fourth child. Sorry, Gap enthusiasts.

The age-based fashion transition is so much easier for men. First they wear t-shirts and one cut of pants. Then they wear shirts with buttons and a different cut of pants. Then they wear shoes with tassels on them. Boom. End of journey.

For women it’s a whole different ball game, one that, if not played strategically, can result in being described as ‘tacky’ on one of end of the spectrum and the infinitely worse ‘matronly’ on the other. The current cut of jean shorts might make it possible to see my actual ass cheeks, but so help me God, I will not be described as matronly.

I just came up with a genius idea. Instead of Forever 21, how about Forever 29? Or maybe Temporarily 29, or Totally Okay With Turning 30 Except For Knowing What To Wear?

It’ll offer a tasteful yet on-trend mix of office-wear (“I look good and I’m maxing out my 401k”), club-wear (“I had two tacos instead of three for this dress”) and its signature specialty, athleisure (“Yoga pants are the new pants, deal with it”).

I think I’m onto something.