The Best News Ever

I normally save my use of exclamation points for when they’re really necessary, and I feel in this case one is warranted. I’m pregnant! Even though I’m already a third of the way into it, it still feels crazy to say the words out loud.

Getting Here

Getting to this point wasn’t easy. In fact, I was floored by how difficult it was, mostly emotionally, but logistically as well.

As a woman, you spend your entire adult life desperately trying not to get pregnant, so you expect that when the time comes and you finally want to, poof! It will happen within days. I literally thought this. I have journal entries from just a couple weeks after I went off the pill musing about whether I was already knocked up.

Even though I’d had lots of friends tell me that in reality, it can take a while, it’s surprisingly difficult to realize that oh, damn, that’s going to be the case for me. It’s mind-bending to try to conceive month after month—and the fact that it’s something you have to actively “try” at is still so bizarre to me—and find out month after month that you’ve failed. For me, a control freak about the direction of my life, the most difficult aspect was it being beyond my control.

For as long as I can remember, when I’ve wanted something, I’ve been able to put in the effort and make it happen. Saving up my chore money to buy a TV for my childhood bedroom. Sending out resume tape after resume tape until a news director called me back. Aggressively bringing up engagement rings and wedding venues for long enough that my now-husband finally popped the question (got him).

But with this, I was totally and utterly at the mercy of nature. I felt like my body, the one I had loved and relied on and sometimes taken for granted, had something wrong with it. It was unexpected and, at times, overwhelming.

Am I getting off track? This is not a sad post. It’s the happiest one I’ve ever written. I share this part because I never talked about trying to conceive on my blog or social media. It was just too personal at the time, but the trying and failing was a very real part of getting pregnant and if you’re in the same boat, you’re not alone. It’s also made me that much more thankful for this amazing gift and all the growing pains that come with it.

How I Found Out

After a few months of negative pregnancy tests, I stopped taking them. The feeling of seeing the single pink line ranges from a slight letdown to an all-out punch in the gut, plus those suckers are expensive. I had one test left in a box in the back of my underwear drawer (we have the smallest bathroom known to man and space in the medicine cabinet is at a premium), and that’s where it sat for the better part of a year.

One week, in the middle of May, I got up and walked from my desk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I felt lightheaded. By the time I got to the sink, I was winded. It was the weirdest feeling, but in retrospect, I had a gut feeling about what was up.

I went straight to my bedroom drawer, fished around for the straggler test, and took it to the bathroom. Three minutes later I saw two insane pink lines, so bold that it made me feel silly about the months I’d spent squinting at tests looking for invisible second lines that weren’t there.

My favorite part of this story is that Johnny was working from home one room away during all this. He was in the middle of producing a show and I didn’t want to interrupt. The closest thing I can think to compare it to would be like barging into a really high-stakes meeting or walking up to a musician when they’re in the middle of a performance–not a great moment to share big news.

So I had to go back to my desk and pretend to work for another hour while he sat ten feet away finishing his show. It almost killed me. Did I say I’m not good at giving up control? I’m also not good at keeping secrets.

I have so much respect for you ladies who sit on the news for days while coming up with these elaborate, thoughtful schemes to share it with your partner in the perfect way. The news was out of my mouth within seconds of him finishing his work. We both sat there looking at each other like can this really be happening? It was awesome.

One Trimester Down, Two To Go

It’s crazy that the first trimester is already behind me, although you kind of get a fast-forward pass because you’re already several weeks along by the time you find out. This was one of many pregnancy-related things that I didn’t know, and I’m sure there will be about a zillion more.

Anyway, I didn’t have too long to feel first-time pregnancy nerves because within a week, the nausea knocked me on my ass. Oh my gosh, women are not joking about morning sickness. Not that I ever thought they were joking, but I admit I kind of wondered how bad could it really be? Um, bad, and mine wasn’t even an extreme case.

The best way I can describe it is like waking up with a horrendous hangover every single day, one that lasts all day long. A bagel with lots of cream cheese might take the edge off for an hour or two, or it might make you wish you’d never see another bagel again for the rest of your life. Every food choice was a roll of the dice. Sour candies and vitamin B6 were my saviors.

At week nine we heard the heartbeat for the first time and it was the most wild and magical thing in the world. By week ten the nausea had started to subside, praise be. Since then I’ve generally felt pretty good, albeit exhausted by 8 o’clock each night. Johnny has been a doll giving me (almost) no grief for my cravings, bouts of irritability and nights when we have to stop the movie 20 minutes in because I’m nodding off.

I don’t look all that pregnant yet with clothes on, but I definitely feel it. I’m starving all the time and wake up every few hours in the night to pee (surprise, every pregnancy cliché you’ve ever heard is true).

The next few weeks should bring some big changes, including, hopefully, feeling the baby kick for the first time and starting to look more like I’m pregnant and less like I just ate a truckload of tacos—although at any given moment this is probably also true.

For those who know us personally (and many who don’t!), thank you for all the kind messages. Sharing the news with family and friends was one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, and the love we’ve gotten from everyone since making it public has been beyond words. We love you guys and can’t wait for what’s next.

Get my latest posts delivered to your inbox by entering your email address below.

Email Address Submit