Let’s face it, ladies. In these trying times, what we need are strong female role models who will act as trailblazers for our gender and inspire us to be the best versions of ourselves. Michelle O and Queen Oprah are doing an okay job I guess, but I know a tribe of women who can really light a fire underneath us.
They’re beautiful. They’re wealthy. They’re gracious. Well, two out of three ain’t bad. They’re the Real Housewives of Bravo, and they’re the inspiration behind my new year’s resolutions for 2018. This year, I vow to…
Drive A Fast Car
I’m starting out with a softball here because come on, who doesn’t go zipping around Malibu in a ride that costs as much as a house on the regular?
I’m going to cruise into the new year by putting the top down, throwing my hands up in the air and shrieking like a pre-pubescent boy opening a Playstation on Christmas morning as I turn the heads of all my irritated neighbors who are obviously just jealous.
Have My Own Tagline
If eating a block of cheese in a holey pair of sweat pants on my couch is wrong, I don’t want to be right!
I’m still playing around with this so don’t judge it too harshly. I’ve got the spinning hair flip for the intro down pat, though.
Release A Namesake Alcoholic Beverage
Teresa has the Fabellini. Bethenny has Skinny Girl. Sonja has Tipsy Girl, which, to the surprise of absolutely no one, was mentioned once and never spoken of again. I’m thinking something a bit more aspirational, like Trophy Wife or Politician’s Mistress. Thoughts?
One Word: Botox
I’m already thirty and if I don’t start soon it’ll be too late (if it isn’t already, God help me!).
Who needs facial expressions when you can have a forehead like a smooth, cold piece of sheet metal? And don’t even get me started on my saggy lips. They just hang there on my face like a pair of deflated balloons begging for some artificial fillers.
Own A Birkin
Never mind you that I haven’t so much as set foot in an establishment that would come remotely close to carrying such a thing, but 2018 will be the year that I own this coveted fashion staple. Can you even call your wardrobe a wardrobe if it doesn’t contain at least one?
Have Andy Cohen On Speed Dial
This one shouldn’t be too difficult because as I’ll tell anyone who will listen, Andy and I were at the same holiday party for five minutes in 2017. I gawked at him from across the room and tried to discreetly take a photo in the strip-club-esque lighting, which naturally came out excellent. We’re basically besties.
Partake In A Twitter Feud
Everybody who’s anybody has been in a Twitter war or two, and the real socialites know that if you want to stay relevant, you’ve always got to be thinking about your next opponent. ABTF: Always Be Twitter Feuding.
I’d go with Taylor Swift but she’s way too played out, and Donald Trump is so 2017. Nihilist Ann Coulter is looking like a prime target right about now. Her or Justin Bieber.
Get Arrested In Palm Beach
For Tinsley it was stalking around outside her ex-lover’s bedroom window. For Luann it was getting into an altercation with a police officer that probably involved the word ‘countess.’
What will my charge be? The possibilities are endless, which I find exhilarating. Kind of like my sentiment toward Palm Beach in general.
Be Accused Of Faking A Medical Condition
Look, when people care so much about your health that they demand a public review of your medical records, that’s how you know you’ve made it.
Brooks’ problem was that he went too big—cancer isn’t something to mess around with. Yolanda had the right idea with Lyme disease in that it’s something everyone has heard of but no one really knows what it is, kind of like compound interest. But the hospital selfies were a bit much, if you ask me.
Flip A Table
This one’s purely for the fun of it, because YOLO. I like to imagine Jeff Sessions sitting on the other side while I topple a heaping pile of lasagna right into his lap. That’s self-care at its finest.
Tell me, what are your new year’s resolutions for 2018, and which housewife inspires you the most?
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