Dear August in New York, I’m in love with you. Everyone who told me the heat and the steaming piles of garbage were going to be unbearable has clearly never spent a summer at the gates of hell, AKA South Florida.
Dear motorcycle riders, nobody thinks it’s cool when you blast out our eardrums taking off from a stoplight. It makes me want to go buy a car again just so I can ‘tap’ you with it. #ouch
Dear Time Warner Cable a.k.a. “Spectrum,” changing your name doesn’t change your shitty service. If I had a nickel for every time you suggested I fix the problem by restarting my router, I still wouldn’t have enough to pay my exorbitant internet bill.
Dear Windows 10 update, thanks for commandeering my computer without telling me you were going to render my machine useless for more than an hour. That conference call I had? Totally didn’t need the notes I prepared.
Dear Game of Thrones, throw all the spoilers you want into my Facebook News Feed because I’m the only person in America who doesn’t watch you. I watched one episode years ago and got sad about the dragons being chained in a basement (normal) and after that I wasn’t interested.
Dear West Palm Beach hairdresser, I miss you. Our relationship was cut short too soon, not unlike my hair in the hands of my new New York stylist, OH SNAP! You only worked your doesn’t-even-look-like-it-was-cut magic on my dome twice, but it was nothing short of hair perfection and I wish I could teleport you to the Big Apple.
Dear Laura Mercier foundation, thanks for making my skin look normal instead of like I’ve been roasting in the sun for an afternoon, but why are you so expensive?! My thrifty self dies a little inside every time the container’s pump starts to make that ‘help, there’s nothing left in here!’ gurgling noise.
Ladies if you need a new foundation, this one is the jam
Dear people looking at your phones while walking down a crowded sidewalk, what the hell could possibly be more interesting than not stepping out into the path of an oncoming MTA bus?
And speaking of MTA, dear New York City subway service, DO BETTER. Fuck.
Sincerely yours,
Tami
