You remember The 5 People You Meet In Heaven, that book everyone was raving about ten years ago where the guy gets crushed to death by a defective carnival ride? Well I’ve been thinking about it ever since, except my version feels less like an inspirational parable and more like a panic attack, and smells like peanuts. I call it: The 5 People You Meet On An Airplane.
No matter where you’re going or how much you’ve paid for that ticket that promises 18 inches of legroom instead of 17, they’ll be there. Spotting them is like a bad game of bingo where everyone loses, and by the time you’ve reached your destination you’re seriously questioning how the human race hasn’t yet been wiped out by stupidity or Tide pods.
So let’s play! How many of these can you spot?
1. The Motormouth
You shove your way down the itty bitty aisle, huffing and puffing as you drag your 50-pound carry-on crammed with two checked bags’ worth of stuff behind you. You clean-and-jerk it into the overhead bin, arms quivering, threatening to give out at any second and result in a suitcase-inflicted black eye.
You collapse into your seat with a huff.
“Hey there! How’s it going?”
No.
It’s a motormouth, and because you’ll literally be strapped to the chair next to him for the next three hours, he sees it as a prime opportunity to strike up a conversation.
Here’s the thing about motormouths. They’re not making polite small talk. They’re not initiating a two-way conversation that’s pleasant for both parties involved. They’re about to talk your fucking ear off from one side of the country to the other, impervious to social cues like yawning or pulling out a magazine that signal that the conversation has run its course.
It’s like when you get cornered at a cocktail party by the close-talker with the bad breath, but in this case you can’t make a beeline for the bathroom and disappear. You can go to the bathroom, sure, but guess who’ll be waiting to pick right back up where he left off when you return?
“As I was saying…”
2. The Good Time Charlie
You saw him pound six wine coolers at the airport bar and assumed his flight was massively delayed, but here he is tumbling into the seat in front of you, ready to blast off into the stratosphere.
He’s trying pickup lines on his seatmate that are simultaneously appalling and amazing. He’s turning the flight attendant call button on. Then off. Then on again. Then off again. He’s wondering in a voice fit for a crowded football stadium if they serve shots in here.
Commonly spotted on aircraft bound for Las Vegas, the Good Time Charlie is mostly harmless and most definitely entertaining. He should, however, be kept at arm’s length; at any given moment a projectile vomit situation may be only a few seconds of unexpected turbulence away.
3. The Special Snowflake
The chances of her fitting her carry-on into that metal apparatus designed to measure carry-ons are about as good as winning the Powerball, but damnit if she’s not going to try.
“I always bring this carry-on!” she screeches at the counter attendant.
You’re making a scene, you’d elbow her and whisper if she were your friend, but she’s not and she’s holding up the line, so you send silent daggers at her with your eyes instead.
The Special Snowflake is everything that’s wrong with society.
She tries to sneak into an earlier boarding group and has to be informed that yes, in fact, she does have to wait for her group to be called.
She feigns confusion when you find her already sitting in your window seat and explain after looking at her ticket that yes, hers is actually the middle seat.
If by some stroke of horrible luck you’re delayed with a Special Snowflake, you’ll be able to pick her out immediately. She’ll be the one at the ticket counter waving her arms like a lunatic insisting that there must be something someone can do!
4. The Octomom
She has at least three—four?—kids, and by some combination of physical prowess and a wearable harness, she’s holding them all plus ten duffel bags at the same time.
One is shoveling Cheerios into his mouth but mostly onto the floor. Another is screaming as if she’s being attacked by a swarm of bees. Another is, somehow, dead asleep, oozing drool.
Are they flying somewhere to be in a magazine photo shoot that’s paying them a million dollars? you wonder. Maybe this is one of those hidden camera shows where they see how bad it can get before someone steps in to help.
You’re not sure, but whatever their reason for being here today and not literally anywhere else, it must be something really, really good.
They trudge onto the plane and you suddenly understand why parents with small children are allowed to board first, a shred of mercy in this cold and hostile world.
5. The Slob Kabob
If there’s one thing airplane seats are decidedly not, it’s recliners, but the Slob Kabob would have you believe otherwise.
Sprawled over the armrest with a U-shaped pillow around his neck, this passenger might as well be wearing his footie pajamas (and could very well be, but the fleece blanket is covering most of his body so it’s hard to say).
The Slob Kabob has removed his shoes. I repeat, has removed his shoes. If anyone reading this thinks it’s okay under any circumstances to remove your shoes on an airplane, please make yourself known so I can alert the police.
Would you remove your shoes in a restaurant? What about in a library? Unless you were raised by wolves the answer is no, so why in God’s name would you think it was even remotely acceptable to remove them in an equally public place—and one where the air is being recycled for everyone to breathe over and over again?!
The Slob Kabob gets up to use the restroom. As he slides past you (a few inches too close, even in this confined space), you notice that he has still not put his shoes back on.
Did you catch them all (the game has switched from bingo to Pokemon Go)? Leave me a comment and tell me which airplane character you hate the most.
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