29 Things I’m Doing During the Coronavirus Quarantine

It’s a strange situation, guys. Stranger than that time Ryan Lochte claimed a robber forced him out of a taxi and put a gun to his head and his response was “whatever.” All this Olympics talk has me feeling nostalgic.

But that’s not the only thing I’m feeling. Like most of you, my days have been a rollercoaster of highs and lows, emotions flashing lightning-style between panic over the imminent end of the world and delight over finding an unopened snack-size pack of Cheez-Its in an old suitcase. Weird times.

Also like most of you, I have a lot of time on my hands. To help fill it until things—hopefully, please God—get back to normal, here’s what I’ve been up to.

1. Eating everything and anything I can get my hands on, which, as it turns out, is a lot.

2. Getting excited when I remember the avocado I purchased before quarantine because it’s probably ripe by now.

3. Crying over the stories of people helping their elderly neighbors get groceries because they were too scared to shop.

4. Being cynical and thinking people probably made up those stories for likes on social media.

5. Hating the ‘Imagine’ video.

6. Not spring cleaning.

7. Googling ‘does a bidet have a dryer?’

8. Finding out the answer, in most cases, is no. A follow up search for ‘how do you dry yourself after using a bidet?’ reveals that the answer is ‘use toilet paper.’ Big WTF.

9. Trying day trading.

10. Making up new words to TV show theme songs and singing them to my dog in a high-pitched opera voice.

11. Freaking out over the smell of toast, or lack thereof, because the internet says a lost sense of smell is a sign of the virus.

12. Taking the deepest breath I can take and holding it for ten seconds because that’s how the internet says you can tell if you have it.

13. Avoiding the internet.

14. Contemplating how much of my life up until this point has just been going out to eat.

15. Agonizing over my puffy triangle hair after realizing it might be a ridiculously long time before my next haircut.

16. Realizing my husband really needs a haircut.

17. Debating how disastrous an at-home haircut would have to be to be grounds for divorce.

18. Checking to see what Shia LaBeouf is up to lately.

19. Pulling a muscle in my neck while trying to do a sexy body roll in a virtual dance class.

20. Slicing open my finger, including the nail, while cutting limes after one too many margaritas.

21. Ordering one of those wine club sampler packs and pretending I can totally taste the subtle notes of leather and blackcurrant.

22. Campaigning to make #WetMarch (the opposite of #DryJanuary) a thing.

23. Feeling simultaneously left out and relieved that no one has tagged me in the push-up challenge.

24. Checking Twitter on an hourly basis to see which celebrities and politicians have the virus. Rolling my eyes when someone I don’t like tests positive, because they would.

25. Daydreaming about adopting another dog.

26. Avoiding looking at my IRA.

27. Looking at my IRA and instantly regretting it. Looking up the price of stock in Charmin, Clorox and Dominos.

28. Shouting “COME ON!!!!!!!!!!” at my computer after I see another post from the same person on my news feed who continues to whine about how “150,000,02954 PeoPle DieD FrOm H1N1!!!!%$#@!”

29. Joining TikTok.

Any you? What are you up to during the end days quarantine?

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